the deep blue...

So I went to work yesterday. I did not once walk through the gate that went out to the ramp because I did not want to walk past Angelo. He really freaks me out. I have never been so freaked out by a guy before. Not even the Bell Ringer! He had called me earlier that night and I was downstairs at Antonio's and Liz stuck her head in the door and said that I had a phone call and I asked if it was a guy and she started to laugh and said yeah. I didn't want to talk to him and so she said that she would tell him I was not home and I said Yeah I am not at home.

So I spent the day working and avoiding the guard shack. I had Thomas give me a ride out and I jumped into the push back (the thing that takes the airplane out to take off) with Edgar so that I would not have to walk past him. I am such a wimp. At the end of the night I was in the office cuz I thought that Angelo would not talk to me in front of the managers. He didn't talk to me but as he was walking past the chair I was in he squeezed my shoulder and it really grossed me out. It gave me the feaky chills.

So I waited for Thomas to leave and asked him if he would walk me to my car. He laughed and said sure. I had him walk out before me so that he would be ready when I was done. As we walked out Angelo was standing there and I sort of ignored him and he called out my name and I said "What!" and I turned and looked at him and he waved at me with this really nasty look on his face. OOOHHHH!!! God help me. He feaks me out! I told Thomas that and he said that he could not believe that I took him home the night before. I agreed.
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Hobbs has been diagnosed with a terminal illness. He doesn't not have much longer to live. I will have to start looking for a replacement. I went to the mechanic to get my water leak fixed and they did a block test that came out negative, which means that pretty much my engine is blown. The guy was really nice and did not charge me for the test. I decided not to fix the truck because it would cost me well over $2,000. I would rather get a different car. So if anybody reads this could you pray for me to find the truck that God has for me? I am thinking that I would like to have a Chevy S10 pick-up or a Toyota SR5 or T100. That is what I am thinking about now.

Well I got asked out again from someone at work. There is a new security guard and he asked if I could give him a ride home and I said yes, now that I think about it I shouldn't have given him the ride. So while I was driving him home he asked me questions like if I had a boyfriend and stuff. I told him no. I wish I could have said yes. I could've but that would be lying. And that is not a good witness. So he asked if I would like to go out sometime and I said that I was really busy. He said "so?" I told him he could go to church and told him the times. He sounded like he was interested. I don't think that he was interested in the church part though. I ended up giving him my number (I know, I know! That was stupid!) and he gave me his which I won't use. He asked when was a good time to call and I told him that I was never home. I don't know. I don't treat these people any different than I treat everybody else. Actually I am nicer and more friendly with my friends than the guys at work! I don't know. I hate it so much. I just wish that they would all leave me alone! Only the non Christians hit on me. What the heck! I don't get it. I just don't get it!
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Last night, at work, the second plane was late so we had nothing to do for a couple hours. Ernest and I went to go and buy some candy and we saw Mark, Antonio's friend, so we went and sat and talked with him for about an hour. Antonio had told me before that Mark was a boy version of me. He said that it was crazy. So while we were talking I was thinking what was it that made him be like me? Then one minute later he was telling us a story and he was excited and started to clap his hands. My jaw dropped because I clap my hands just the same way that he did. Ernest gasped and pointed at Mark and said, "She does the same thing! Exactly!" Then I started to laugh and Mark was freaked out. It was really weird. Mark also loves to travel. The only thing different about us is that I am ha'ole and he is Filipino. I am a girl and he is a boy. I am a Christian and he is agnostic. He even wears converse shoes.

At the end of the night the sun was starting to get brighter. Normally I love the night sky because the sky is a deep blue color and the clouds are a creamy color. But when the sun was coming up the sky got to be a lighter color blue and the clouds got darker and darker almost to the point of being black. It was so pretty. I loved it.

The deep blue clouds.
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Right now I am supposed to be writing a book report. It has to be three pages long at the minimum and I only have two. I haven't even finished the book yet. But I know I will get it done...Eventually...*heavy sigh*

I have so much school work to do and I am feeling overwhelmed. There is only two weeks of class left and then finals. I can't wait till I get everything finished and then I can relax.

Once class is out I want to plant a garden. That will be a lot of work but I think it will be fun and it will be good to have veggies growing downstairs. I also want to get another job this summer. Ernest thinks that my car will die in 6 months so he thinks I should get a job for the summer to save for that. I was going to get a job but I don't want to buy a new car. This summer my sister will be coming to visit me for five weeks. I am excited about that.

Well, I better get back to my homework.

*heavy sigh*...
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I got home in one piece to find that my fish, Cornelious James Rutherford IV, had died while I was gone. I will say my last words...Cornelious was a spoiled fish. He had his own room that I didn't make him clean. He was a good little fish. He liked to look at me when I would come by his tank. He was a cute little Beta fish. He lived for quite awhile seven months. Well maybe he didn't live that long but still. It was longer than 2 weeks.

I went back to work and was really tired. But that was ok. I made it.

When I got back I opened all my mail and I got a check from UPS for a lot of money and I was so excited. I don't know if I was supposed to get that much or not. I am trying to find out. The guy never called me back.

Today is Liz's birthday and I don't know what to get her. After class tonight we are going to go and eat Thai food. But I want to get her something else. I don't know.

Ok this entry is starting to get more and more boring as I write. So I will go now.

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I guess this is my last day here in California. To me it is still Friday even though it is technically Saturday. But I will talk like it is Saturday.

Today I will pack and go to my sisters photography class and be a model. I know it seems really weird that I would be a model! Craziness! But I told her that I would and I will. Then we will drive down to my Uncles house in San Jose and stay the night there so that we can get up on Sunday morning and be at the airport by 7:30am. On the way to his house we will stop off in Pleasant Hill and see my friend that I met in Thailand. That will be fun.

I took my mom to school yesterday and dropped her off for her field trip to San Francisco. That is the last time I will see her till she comes to visit me in May. Before I took my mom to school I went with my dad to the music store and he bought me a guitar. It is a junker but it is good for me to learn on and I can hook it up so some kind of amplification and I think that will be good. After I took my mom to school I drove up to Auburn and saw my friends house that is getting remodeled and then met a different friend for lunch and then I was waiting for 3:30pm to come along so I could go and pick up my friend Aaron (Mike's younger brother) but I still had an hour so I went and saw their (Mike and Aaron's) Grandad. I went to his work and gave him some chocolate Mac nuts and he was really excited to see me. I thought that was cool seeing how Mike and I are now broken up and he has a new girlfriend. I am excited that they still like and are excited to see me. After that I went to see peoples at Alberstons and Girlie at longs then I went to go and see Pastor Dan at the meat shop then went and picked up Aaron. We had to wait till his family came back because he had to watch his little sister. Who remembered me and gave me a big hug. But she is like that with everybody. Aaron and I hung out till 10pm and we just walked around the mall and talked and stuff. We had a good time. I was glad that we got to hang out. I was glad I didn't see Mike because I don't want him to think that I was there waiting to see him because I don't want to see him.

A couple days ago I wrote about my problems with hearing from God and how I thought that was associated with the whole Mike thing. I told Trish about all that and she told me that I shouldn't doubt my ability to hear from God because me and Mike are not together. Because I probably did hear from him about that and that we would have made a good ministry team and couple. But God is not going to violate Mike's free will/choice. And that there were other factors in this situation and that does not mean that I did not hear from God. That was very encouraging to me.

I got to hang out with Girlie and Sarah and Brad tonight. That was fun. I will miss all my California people but I am excited to come home and can't wait to get back.
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Well there has been so much going on. Things are going on back home in Hawaii and I don't know what it is. All I know is through the encoded posts of my friends blogger. Because it is encoded I don't know what is going on.

My dad an I went to go to lunch today. I got an email from him this morning saying that he thought that I hated him and that I didn't respect him and all this stuff that is totally not true. There was a lot of misunderstanding and assuming going on between us causing a lot of problems. I think and hope that everything got resolved at lunch today but I don't know.

I did my taxes and I will be getting a lot of money back and I am so excited!!!! Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah! (oh do I miss my girls back home! Tiffa, Candy and Liz)

I went to Amir's class again today. It was fun. I love his teaching style. He is so awesome. He always makes me think. I didn't get to talk to him personally but that is ok. I will email him.

I have been going through a lot about the whole Mike thing but I will talk about that later.

I got to talk to Jonathan a couple times on IM so that was nice.

I got to go my mom is freaking out about taxes and stuff...
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Today I went to class with my sister and got some papers signed and then I went to Amir's Humanities class. I love Amir's classes. He is so awesome. He always makes me think and want to think.

So I walk into his class and he sees me and says Hi and asks how I am doing. And the whole class is looking at me like who is this chick. I don't care because I just don't. So we are in class and I raise my hand and tell him that I have been thinking about not thinking and thus thinking "What do others think about?" So I wanted to know what he thought because he is one of the few people who have made me think in my life. So I ask him what he thinks and he says he doesn't know. He just thinks when he has to think. Then other people started to talk about thinking and forcing thinking. Then he said that if you force thinking then your thinking becomes unauthentic. So I thought, "Hmmm."

He ends class 15 minutes before it is scheduled to end because they had a teacher evaluation. So I go out of the class with him and I talk to him and he said I look different and that something has happened to me so I tell him that I lost weight and that my boyfriend dumped me and that is about all that has happened to me. He said it was a good think that he dumped me because he was no good. That was a conclusion that I had sort of made earlier that day which I will talk about later. So I asked about Dustin this guy that Amir hooked me up with at the end of the semester. He said he was good and has a girlfriend. I said good I was glad. Then he was all worried that I liked him and I thought oh God No. Then Amir told me that the reason that he hooked me up with him was because Dustin said that he liked me. I was like Ok. Then he said too bad that I lived so far away because he would hook me up with this guy named Chris. (I know our names are incompatible.) Then he introduced me to two girls and made me give them my email address and told them to email me.

Well that is most of the story and I have to go now to meet Christi and Davie outside. I hope we are going to go eat Thai food.

Hmmm....
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I have been talking to my friends here at home. It seems that they think a lot about stuff. I then that got me thinking that I don't think. Why don't I think about stuff like that?

Christi was saying that she got an email from Morgan, who is in Madrid. Morgan told her that she was right in thinking that you have to go away by yourself to realize that God is everything that you need. That all the stuff that you thought you needed you really didn't. That there is so much that we have that we take for granted and that you really come to appreciate these things. So she was telling me about all this and I thought to myself. "Wow! They are thinking a lot about things. I have gone away by myself for longer than both of them put together and I never thought like that!" Maybe I already knew those things so I didn't think about it. I don't know.

So that got me to think- Am I the only one who doesn't think?

So I asked my sister what she thinks about. She told me that she thinks about words. Like - Need sounds like deed and the spelling is similar. But Need sounds like Read but is spelled differently. Then Baked is spelled like Naked but does not sound alike. Then so many different examples.

Then I asked my friend Andy and he said that there was no set pattern for his thinking. He said that he thinks about really weird things. Like he was driving to see the sunset and he thought what if the sun and the world stood still for a while. Then we would continue to move toward the sun and we would be gaining time. So I thought - Wow!

Maybe I should do stuff to stimulate my mind or something.
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I have realized that I have distanced myself from God. That I felt that I made a big mistake with thinking that Mike was the one. I thought that God said that he was the one. Then Mike gets a new girlfriend and tells me that I am not the one afterall. He said that he thought I was the one, that God said I was the one.

SO what... Was God wrong? Did He make a mistake? Or was it us who made a mistake? Did we not hear from God? Did we just make it all up in our minds and God had nothing to do with it? So now I think that I have doubted my ability to hear from God. I think that I have been doubting so much that I have placed a wall between me and God.

I don't want this wall anymore. I don't want to be separated from God anymore. I want to hear His voice. I want to know that I can hear from God and it is not just me making it up. That is what I want. I want to be close to God.
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I have been having a really good and lazy break. Yesterday I watched three movies. Hung out with Girlie and went shopping! Wow. We watched Dick and ate a pan of Magic Cookie Bars. This is an Easter Break tradition for me and my sister. We love that movie. Then we watched Secondhand Lions. That was a great movie. I had never seen it before and if I had a DVD player it would be in my collection along with Dick. Then after we went shopping and Girlie left Sarah and I walked to Blockbuster and rented Empire Records. That is where I got the title for this entry. Damn the Man! I love that movie too. It has been a really good movie vacation. Today we watched The Goonies! Another great movie. A classic from the 80's!!! And I say that nothing good comes out of the 80's. Oh wait I came out of the 80's. Oh well.

I have been eating alot latly. Which is bad because I know that I have gained at least five pounds since I have been home. I can't go back to work and be all chubby again. I need to be careful what I am eating and make sure that i exercise. I at least have to be the same size that I was before I left. My pants are hardly even falling off my butt! They need to fall off not be too tight. Oh no. I need to loose some weight!
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Well here is my blog. I want to have alot of stuff on it. Like links and stuff. But I don't know how to do it yet. But I will learn.
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I woke up this morning after haveing another dream about Mike. I only remember the dreams about Mike, it's weird. The dream took place in a computer lab. I was at one computer and he was at the one next to me. We were talking and he told me that Katy was pregnant. I asked him if it was his baby and he said no. I asked if he was sure and he said that he was because they never had sex. I asked how far along she was and he said two months. I asked him what he was going to do and he said that he was going to marry her. I asked him why because it is odvious that she cheated on him. Then I woke up. What a great way to start off my day. This is the second dream that I have had where she is pregnant.


Then I went to church and saw everybody and they were all excited to see me as I was to see them. After church a bunch of us went to Lucky Dragon and ate. I hadn't been there in over eight months. After Lucky Dragon, Sarah and I went to Mike's house to see his brother and mother. While we were there Mike showed up. He seemed very surprised to see me. Then he sat in the living room with us the whole time. Which I thought was weird. I did a really good job and continued to be myself and didn't care what he thought of me. It felt very strange because there was tension between us and I felt like it wasn't supposed to be like that. He was suposed to be sitting next to me holding my hand being so excited that I was there. But it wasn't like that. When we left he was talking to Katy on the phone. I just hope that he is happy.


When I got home I called Jessi and invited her to come over for dinner. Sarah and I went over to pick her up and it was really good to see her. I always hope that I give her hope, but I don't know. She always stirs my heart...my sister, my friend. I love that girl. I don't know how to help her. I don't know. All I can do is pray for her.


At dinner tonight dad yelled at me. I hate it when he does that to me. It is always over something stupid too.

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At work this week Ernest has been a real jerk face! He has been ignoring me and when I go up to him to talk to him he would say all these mean things to me. He really made me mad and I just quit talking to him last night. I didn't even look at him. He was all laughing with everybody else at work and pretending that I wasn't even there.

Reid (I think that's how you spell his name) wasn't feeling good last night nd almost called in sick but he wanted to come in so that he could see if things were better. Of course they weren't. Reid was like, "I don't understand. He was your talking story partner. He would always talk to you...I will talk to you." I thought that was cute. He asked me what I thought was going on so I told him that I think that Ernest was distancing himself from me because I am going to be gone for two weeks. This way he won't miss me so bad or something. Or maybe this is his way of trying to avoid everybody else at work teaseing him about me being gone.

I don't know and I don't understand boys and I think that I am going to give up trying to figure them out. GOD HELP ME.


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