Wednesday, March 31, 2004
What am I supposed to do?
So, I talked to one of my girl friends last night and she told me about what is going on with her and her man. She is thinking that he no longer has feelings for her and she is hopeing that this is just a season that she is supposed to go through. She feels like if it is not that it will totally shake her faith. Because then what about all the things she thought that she heard from God. She is hopeing that she just didn't make this happen because it was what she wanted.
So it has been one day since all this happened and she is thinking all these things. It has been eight months since Mike and I think that I have felt these things but not actually thought about it with words. I have felt like I can't hear from God. Maybe it is not that I can't hear from God but that I have not been listening. Maybe I have put a block on my ears so that I can't think that I hear God and then be totally wrong. I thought that God wanted me to be with Mike. I thought that God brought us together. What am I supposed to do?!
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So it has been one day since all this happened and she is thinking all these things. It has been eight months since Mike and I think that I have felt these things but not actually thought about it with words. I have felt like I can't hear from God. Maybe it is not that I can't hear from God but that I have not been listening. Maybe I have put a block on my ears so that I can't think that I hear God and then be totally wrong. I thought that God wanted me to be with Mike. I thought that God brought us together. What am I supposed to do?!
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Tuesday, March 30, 2004
What happened to me?
I just was checking my email and I got an email from my friend in Uganda, Africa. He is a missionary there and he runs two orphanages for children with aids. He sends out bulk emails that he calls journals and most of the time they make me cry. Well maybe not most of the time but they always stir my heart. Well todays that he sent was just a bunch of little ones that he never sent out and there was one that - well not just one but a few that just really stired something in me. Here I will copy it here -
Her laughter filled the car. Echoed through the house. Fluttered through the telephone. And sang from the pages of her letters.
Laughter billowed through her spirit—even as a breeze through the curtains of an open window.
Laughter lapped at the shores of her soul.
Laughter ministered from her oil of gladness.
It glistened from her garment of praise.
Laughter.
This sort of made me stop. What has happened to me? I don't know what has happened to me!! I remember I used to be like that. I never could stop laughing. Then it would infect others and we would all laugh together. Something has happened and I don't want it to stay this way. I want to be happy again and to laugh all the time. OH GOD help me. Change my heart my life! I don't want to be like this anymore!
Then there was this other one that was in Nathaniel's email...
"I had realized something revolutionary that day. You see, I knew in my heart that I had completely forgiven my friend.
And I knew that we would never be friends again.
And I knew that it was okay.
That it was even lovely—as forgiveness had used her power to paint beauty on tragedy’s canvass.
It was okay."
I hope that it will not be like this for me and Mike. I want to forgive him. I think I have but I don't know. But I don't want ot never be friends again. I have not had a friend like him before or since. He knew me so well. He knew when I needed to talk and he would wait till I could get it out. He would not let me leave until I had gotten whatever it was off my chest. I hated that at the time but now that I don't have it I miss it and I know that I needed it this whole time.
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Her laughter filled the car. Echoed through the house. Fluttered through the telephone. And sang from the pages of her letters.
Laughter billowed through her spirit—even as a breeze through the curtains of an open window.
Laughter lapped at the shores of her soul.
Laughter ministered from her oil of gladness.
It glistened from her garment of praise.
Laughter.
This sort of made me stop. What has happened to me? I don't know what has happened to me!! I remember I used to be like that. I never could stop laughing. Then it would infect others and we would all laugh together. Something has happened and I don't want it to stay this way. I want to be happy again and to laugh all the time. OH GOD help me. Change my heart my life! I don't want to be like this anymore!
Then there was this other one that was in Nathaniel's email...
"I had realized something revolutionary that day. You see, I knew in my heart that I had completely forgiven my friend.
And I knew that we would never be friends again.
And I knew that it was okay.
That it was even lovely—as forgiveness had used her power to paint beauty on tragedy’s canvass.
It was okay."
I hope that it will not be like this for me and Mike. I want to forgive him. I think I have but I don't know. But I don't want ot never be friends again. I have not had a friend like him before or since. He knew me so well. He knew when I needed to talk and he would wait till I could get it out. He would not let me leave until I had gotten whatever it was off my chest. I hated that at the time but now that I don't have it I miss it and I know that I needed it this whole time.
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Monday, March 29, 2004
A new thing
Well, here I am starting this new online blog thing. I hope that this will help me to process my thoughts and to help me to understand myself better. I know that sounds really weird but it is true. I don't know what is going on inside of me and if I don't know what is going on inside of me than how am I supposed to know how to make my life better and to get myself on track? All I know is that I am having a hard time focusing and concentrating on school and anything that has to do with anything. I normally love to read and I can't even do that. I don't know, I just don't know.
I am going home to California for the first time since moving here to Hawaii. It's been eight months (I know it doesn't sound like a long time but it feels like it to me.) I have missed my parents and all my three siblings birthdays and Christmas. I need to get them all something but I have no motivation to go shopping. I can just see myself step foot in the store and me getting all flustered not knowing what to get. Then I can see myself whining about having to go shopping. I know I sound weird but it is true I am weird.
I have not always been like this. I don't know what's happened to me. Maybe there is something going on inside me that is a remnant from Mike breaking my heart. I don't think that I have completely healed from that but it is ok because God is good and all things are possible with God.
Well I need to go to class now I will continue this later...
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I am going home to California for the first time since moving here to Hawaii. It's been eight months (I know it doesn't sound like a long time but it feels like it to me.) I have missed my parents and all my three siblings birthdays and Christmas. I need to get them all something but I have no motivation to go shopping. I can just see myself step foot in the store and me getting all flustered not knowing what to get. Then I can see myself whining about having to go shopping. I know I sound weird but it is true I am weird.
I have not always been like this. I don't know what's happened to me. Maybe there is something going on inside me that is a remnant from Mike breaking my heart. I don't think that I have completely healed from that but it is ok because God is good and all things are possible with God.
Well I need to go to class now I will continue this later...
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